{“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
- Mitch Hedberg
{“I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down”
- Mitch Hedberg
{“Look at the limes, how they float.
Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I’ll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say “What the fuck?” and I will pull out a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”
-Mitch Hedberg
{“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer”
- Mitch Hedberg
{“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.
Well i was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
- Mitch Hedberg
{“I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.”
- Mitch Hedberg
